April 2, 2020
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“Weddings” – Jim Gaffigan (Obsessed) #stayhome #withme


Sometimes I feel like
I’m trying to get fat Last night I was eating a pint of ice cream and I finished it because I’m
American, alright? I took off the lid and I threw it
away, because I’m not a quitter everyone and because I care about the environment I was conserving energy
by not refreezing it. You’re welcome. Of course it was at night,
you ever eat ice cream during the day? You’re like what,
are we six years old? Did we just get our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn’t I be alone watching Lifetime? “Those hoarders,
those are the ones with the problem.” I was eating a pint of ice cream in
sweatpants, like a man My wife came in the
room and she’s like “Jim, are you going to eat an entire
pint of ice cream by your self?” I was like, “Hopefully” “unless you selfishly want a bite.” “Jim you have a 9 year old daughter,
don’t you want to be at her wedding?” “Not really, no.” “Wait, is there going to be
ice cream at her wedding?” “Because if you promise,
I still don’t want to go.” How would attending a wedding,
why would that be an incentive? “It’s like, don’t you die in 18 years there’s an awkward
party you have to pay for… And we need you to write a check.” No, I understand weddings
are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess and marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. and we are a bunch of weirdo’s. Weddings are kind of weird,
I mean what’s the logic? It’s like well we love each other, why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom? We’ll invite your parent’s
friends and my parent’s friends and we’ll have a banquette. And the two kingdoms shall
come together as one. and we can start our married
life with a total fantasy. before we go on a completely
unjustified vacation. It’s strange right,
I mean weddings stated off as these crude
mid-evil ceremonies where woman’s daughters
where exchanged as property Yet, over the course of centuries they got worse. That’s why people cry at weddings I cant believe we’re still wasting money on this. Whenever I see someone crying
at a wedding I would say Don’t worry, it probably wont work out. It is nice to be invited to a wedding but you always look
at the invitation like AHH, this is gonna cost me Oh good, it’s out of town wouldn’t want to use those vacation days for vacationing. And you can tell how much
a wedding’s gonna cost you by the type of invitation you receive. You’re like oh no,
this one’s made of baby skin and the font and the language on there “The honorable king slayer cordially invites you to the marriage
of his 40 year old daughter to her live-in boyfriend of twelve years, bring thy wallet.” Because you have to get
the newlyweds a gift because they’ve done NOTHING! So you go to the registry,
the registry which is a nice way of saying you don’t have to get us anything but when you do,
make sure it’s one of these things. You ever go to the registry late? and you’re like,
the only thing left is a fork for 300 dollars. I guess we’ll be the fork friends. We’ll get them the fork. My wife had us register for fine china because you never know when
the Pope’s gonna swing by and want a microwaved
hotdog on a 200 dollar plate. My parents,
growing up my parents had fine china that you couldn’t even
put in the dishwasher. “Don’t get that wet,
you need to clean it with a kitten. It needs to be a white kitten.” At most weddings the guests
receive a gift, right? Sometimes it’s a bag of
almonds covered in candy. “Thanks, I guess we’re even. Since you got me a bag of NUTS!” “Feel free to take the centerpiece.” Sure you don’t want us to buss some tables? I didn’t bring a broom but I can sweep. It’s not always like nuts, sometimes the gift is like a nick nack or a
happy meal toy kind of thing. The last wedding we where
at everyone at the wedding got a wine stopper filled with sand because the theme of the wedding was waste. I got in trouble when
I asked the bride I was like, at what point are we
supposed to jab this in our throat? During the first dance? I do find it fascinating,
there’s always a drunk person at a
wedding, right? And I think it’s because
there’s so many awkward moments like that receiving line as a guest I never know what to say to those people I always feel like I’ve just seen
a friend in a play or something “That was great,
you where great up there like you said, I like this program well, I’m gonna lie to someone else now. You where good too, you’re the grandma we got them the fork is the bar open?” Some of those wedding rituals Have you been to one of
the weddings when the groom removes the garter belt from the bride and flings it to a crowd of perverts? Because he cherishes his
bri-WHAT? Who came up with that one? “Hey, you know the bride throws the bouquet? how about something for the fellas? Maybe the bride’s underwear?” What happens to that garter belt? “Oh, I have it in a very special place it’s in a room covered in
photographs of the bride. and there’s candles and
fried bread everywhere.” I’m not against marriage,
I’m happily married I’m married to a beautiful woman the type of woman that when I’m with
her and people find out she’s my wife there’s usually an audible, Wow Which I suppose is flattering
but it hurts my feelings I’m not a yeti “Wow” Someone could approach
me and be like “Jim, we’ve discovered your
wife has no visual perception.” “Yeah, we don’t need to correct that
or anything. She doesn’t like glasses.” But I like being married,
I like having someone to look out for me and my wife wants me to live
longer, we all want to live longer but how much longer? Like you ever see old people,
really, really old people the look on their face,
they always have that look like “AUHHHH!” “I cant believe I’m still here I would have eaten
so much more ice cream why did I ever consume kale?”

Jean Kelley

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59 COMMENTS

  1. jimgaffigan Posted on March 19, 2020 at 1:59 pm

    Click subscribe to take this relationship to the next level http://bit.ly/SubJimGaffigan, Oh, & turn notifications on!

    Reply
  2. Harrison Will Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:00 pm

    Yay 10001th

    Reply
  3. Bible History Science Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:02 pm

    My Dad could eat a pint of ice cream after dinner, and he had a saying whenever he found that there to be only a normal bowl or so of ice create in the container, he would say “It’s just enough to piss you off!”

    Reply
  4. REZ FNM Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:04 pm

    Ur funny Jim. You’re damn funny.

    Reply
  5. Firstlast Lastfirst Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:05 pm

    🤣😂😅

    Reply
  6. steve daly Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:11 pm

    What we having for dinner tonight?

    Reply
  7. K. KFlana Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:14 pm

    "Don't worry, it probably won't work out." HAHAHAHAHAHA I always say that. 😉

    Reply
  8. Samantha B. Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:19 pm

    you are amazing

    Reply
  9. M G Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:28 pm

    "white kittens" That is hilarious. My son and I use my grandmother's fine china saucers as plates for the cat food cause there are so many of them and I ended up with them and we just put them in the dishwasher cause neither of us cares. Last year at his graduation party someone took the pile of plates out of a cupboard (they were separated from all the other dishes because we don't use them for food) and started serving sushi on them. Little pools of soy sauce with 2-3 rolls on each plate. My son and I locked eyes in horror and he slowly shook his head. It really added a layer of interest to the party from my perspective.

    Reply
  10. Graffiti Forensics Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:35 pm

    lol funny

    Reply
  11. Grace Great Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:37 pm

    “Jim are you gonna eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself?”
    “Hopefully”

    😂😂😂

    Reply
  12. B Harrell Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:40 pm

    My fiancee tells me I've got stop eating ice cream with milk? Basically a milk shake bowl. Says if we are to merry this time next year she wants me thin lol

    Reply
  13. Tyler Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:49 pm

    amazing video keep it up

    Reply
  14. Tyler Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:49 pm

    awesome video dude

    Reply
  15. Marcus Jaanz Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:49 pm

    Please come down to Australia! Post Coronovirus of course. Unless hot pockets cures it!!

    Reply
  16. William F. Henry Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:51 pm

    That bag of nuts is from a couple that knows you so well Jim!

    Reply
  17. Nick Rykert Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:52 pm

    He had a show on the same day as our wedding and my wife was like if we want do you think anybody would notice that we were not there. 😜😂

    Reply
  18. Lucian David Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:54 pm

    I’m a gay male and I’ve only been to one gay marriage and it was only the reception. One is enough!

    Reply
  19. Aaron Burr Atwood. Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:58 pm

    Pandora has comedy folks, when you need more Jim Gaffigan pop some on.

    Reply
  20. Melinda Lee Posted on March 19, 2020 at 3:07 pm

    Love these clips, makes “sheltering in place” so much more bearable. Thanks Jim!

    Reply
  21. Rhonna Marsden Posted on March 19, 2020 at 3:10 pm

    thanks for the laughs I really need the lighthearted feeling and a few giggles today.

    Reply
  22. Kyle Stubbs Posted on March 19, 2020 at 3:14 pm

    “Don’t get that wet, you need to clean it with a kitten.”

    Reply
  23. M Robert Posted on March 19, 2020 at 3:42 pm

    :D:D:D
    My favorite ! So clean, and the lines… just awesome!

    Reply
  24. Magician12345 Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:05 pm

    It's funny cus its true

    Reply
  25. Emmy Lou Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:06 pm

    Jim Gaffigan, you make me smile and laugh. Thank you! 😀😄🙂

    Reply
  26. rudeboymon Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:20 pm

    I hate going to weddings…like with a passion. My wife and I didn't even have one. Her sister had 2 😣😵😢

    Reply
  27. Marybeth Duke Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:22 pm

    You've really nailed that wedding thing! So funny but so true!

    Reply
  28. Larry Kapigian Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:25 pm

    Thanks for the relief in these trying times

    Reply
  29. Sonja unome Posted on March 19, 2020 at 5:08 pm

    Thanks Jim I needed that you might be the cure hahahaha

    Reply
  30. Leroy Bobby Posted on March 19, 2020 at 5:13 pm

    Watched his movie last night. It was good but not very realistic. Who acts that way when their kid is missing. Their baby. Even drug dealers would call the law.

    Reply
  31. Zaroff's Trophy Room Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:17 pm

    wedding gift- always get them a bucket. Who doesn't need a bucket. You can put things in it, carry things somewhere else, throw them away, bring them back again, holds liquids or solids. It can even carry pets from place to place. If it is fairly strong you can even use it to stand on for a short period. It also really irritates moles.

    Reply
  32. Crinkle # Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:20 pm

    My ex husband's family are having a competition to see who can have the most weddings.

    Reply
  33. Mark Johnson Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:22 pm

    Dont get married

    Reply
  34. SnoopyDoo Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:24 pm

    Please do a video about the hoarding of toilet paper.

    Reply
  35. Jenny Lee Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:58 pm

    Tell your daughters to go to Vegas and elope. No waiting period. You can even get married at Denny's, the restaurant

    Reply
  36. Albert Dunisch Posted on March 19, 2020 at 7:15 pm

    when the country gets back on track start a podcast

    Reply
  37. Producer K Posted on March 19, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    I can watch this over and over and always have a good laugh.

    Reply
  38. Susie Hayse Posted on March 19, 2020 at 8:09 pm

    Can listen to your bits over & over…grateful for what ya do🤣

    Reply
  39. Exploring with Stewarts Posted on March 19, 2020 at 8:25 pm

    Connected lol sub

    Reply
  40. rob kennedy Posted on March 19, 2020 at 9:03 pm

    We have a rule about ice-cream in our house. When you buy it, you gotta buy two flavors!

    Reply
  41. Henry Smith Posted on March 19, 2020 at 9:19 pm

    Best wedding I ever went to served bar food like sliders and nachos after the older guests got to drunk and went to bed.

    Reply
  42. Scotty Osburn Posted on March 19, 2020 at 9:30 pm

    Hi Mark Sargent! We see you

    Reply
  43. megaman5125 Posted on March 19, 2020 at 10:41 pm

    He would be a self-quarantine champion

    Reply
  44. EweChewBrrr Posted on March 19, 2020 at 11:11 pm

    The outro is the real reason why I clicked like on this video.

    Reply
  45. Ryan Turner Posted on March 20, 2020 at 12:28 am

    I have 4 weddings to go to this year, one of which is a destination wedding, and one of which I'm standing up in.

    My financials, time off work, and general free time is basically based on other's weddings. Not like I'm trying to buy a house, find a gf, or enjoy free time for myself.

    Maybe next year…

    Reply
  46. Mary O Posted on March 20, 2020 at 12:51 am

    Can we stop with the kale propaganda?

    Reply
  47. the man Posted on March 20, 2020 at 1:31 am

    3:50, good point, I wonder if couples even use half the gifts they receive???

    Reply
  48. Robert Schwartz Posted on March 20, 2020 at 2:13 am

    No party should cost as much as a house.

    Reply
  49. Parkway Concepts Posted on March 20, 2020 at 3:23 am

    Totally subscribed. You're gonna be famous now.

    Reply
  50. Courtney Sorrento Posted on March 20, 2020 at 3:53 am

    I subscribed because of Jim's talent for persuasion
    I'm on a first name basis with him now
    I'm a subscriber, after all

    Reply
  51. Evilkitty64 Posted on March 20, 2020 at 4:07 am

    "Don't get that wet, you have to clean it with a white kitten", 😆😅😂🤣😭

    Reply
  52. Lucas Ewen Posted on March 20, 2020 at 4:58 am

    Your subscribe pitch is on another level. Seriously this is how you get someone to subscribe.

    Reply
  53. Brooke Larson Posted on March 20, 2020 at 10:06 am

    This made me laugh so hard I now have a headache

    Reply
  54. Kent Frederick Posted on March 20, 2020 at 10:06 am

    I eat ice cream during the day, and I'm a grown man.

    Reply
  55. Kevin Anthony Bentivegna Posted on March 20, 2020 at 1:02 pm

    Got married at the courthouse. One of the smart, one of the few.

    Reply
  56. Kayotic217 Posted on March 20, 2020 at 2:24 pm

    Right about now…not exactly polishing off a pint of Haagen Daz -maybe half! Thanks for the LMBO session!🙋‍♀️

    Reply
  57. SFrames Posted on March 20, 2020 at 4:43 pm

    One important thought

    Be aware!

    https://youtu.be/Cu4siuQJbCU

    Reply
  58. NRG Ltwrkr Posted on March 20, 2020 at 6:36 pm

    Why did I ever consume kale?! Lol!

    Reply
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