April 8, 2020
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infantilisation | a regressive abuse [cc]


There are lots of positives to being a child. One of those positives underpins the TheraminTrees
channel icon. The image of a floating foetus in adult clothes — originally a tuxedo — came from a dream in my teens. For me, what came through in the image was the idea of preserving the fresh unjaded
eyes we possess at birth. For a brief time, our curiosity about the
world is un-cluttered by dogma and tribalism. Our minds haven’t yet been colonised by any partisan prejudices from the communities into which we’re randomly born. We don’t see the bogus social divisions
constructed by certain groups and attributed with spurious meaning. When their assertions don’t make sense we question them unselfconsciously. When the answers are inadequate we say so without inhibition. This kind of sincere reality testing offers
us the most solid foundation for acquiring skills, knowledge and understanding. Not solid in terms of rigidity and inflexibility. As a species we seem repeatedly to learn and
forget, re-learn and re-forget that fixed dogmatic mindsets lead us down
disastrous pathways. Solid in terms of resourcefulness. Instead of clinging to a bogus idea so that when it sinks, we sink with it we’re able to adapt — to recognise its bogus nature and step
away into new insight. The child-like instinct to question freely is a precious strength worth preserving. But instead of nurturing this and other strengths many individuals and groups try to preserve
the child’s vulnerabilities to meet various psychological
needs of their own. The child might be seen as a blank canvas to be filled with all the unexamined tribal
superstitions and traditions of previous generations and
charged with passing them on wholesale to the next. The child might be groomed as an enabler trained to affirm and support the comforting
illusions of egotists. The child might be idealised by individuals
and groups who venerate innocence and view worldly knowledge and experience as contaminants to what they see as a perfect
untouched state. The child gets depersonalised into a slave,
a pet, a toy, an ornament. Instead of being encouraged and celebrated the child’s development is actively sabotaged in an attempt to preserve the most vulnerable
qualities of infanthood: ignorance, inexperience, incompetence, dependence. The growing individual becomes infantilised. Infantilisation is an extremely common manipulation in which individuals are treated in ways that deny their maturity or mental capacity. It’s also one of the most slippery forms
of manipulation. Unlike more overtly abusive tactics it’s often disguised as other things,
like affection. Infantilising abusers claim their babying
behaviour is an expression of love. But it’s not love. It’s a cage that gets progressively more
confining. As their world shrinks targets of infantilisation feel increasingly
confined and immobilised. They anticipate failing, and not being able
to cope. I want to explore this manipulative tactic and some of its insidious features. I’ll be using real-life examples, mainly
from families and religion. But it can happen wherever power dynamics exist: abusive one-to-one relationships, politics,
education, the workplace. And I invite you to notice any personal parallels
in your own experience. Our first experience of one-up one-down relationships are the ones we’re born into. We enter the world powerless into the care of people who hold all the power. People we call family. For that first vulnerable part of our lives they govern every aspect of our existence from our appearance to the food we eat to
the company we keep. Fathers and mothers are kings and queens exercising all-encompassing sovereignty. Older siblings, next in line to the throne also hold significant influence. In healthy families, this monarchy is benevolent
and fleeting. Parents recognise they’re the temporary
guardians of their offspring not their owners or their eternal rulers. Their absolute power doesn’t corrupt absolutely. It’s channelled positively into helping
the child develop into a self-sufficient, independent
individual. And as the child acquires knowledge and experience the one-up one-down relationship resolves
into an equal adult relationship. Parents remain parents in name and bonds of love and affection continue. But the functional role of ‘parenting’
ceases. All parties are self-directing now, free of
any role-based remnants. When you come from a positive family environment
like that it’s sometimes hard to conceive of the countless
families where parents become perpetual dictators,
lazy with power; where roles are malignantly distorted and
children are used to satisfy unmet needs and fantasies and act
out unresolved issues. Adultification happens when the child is prematurely
assigned adult roles and responsibilities they’re
not ready for. Spousification puts the child
in a quasi-partner role opening the door to emotional
if not physical incest. Parentification describes a role reversal in which the child is expected to look after
the parent. Like all of these corruptions of the parental role infantilisation stems from a refusal to acknowledge the child as a fully separate
person. Infantilisation is an assault from multiple
directions. It manifests in a variety of ways each one intended to erode some aspect of
the individual that confers mature status. One example is a refusal to acknowledge age-appropriate boundaries. Despite 8-year-old Dominic’s repeated suggestions that he’s old enough to bathe himself his father continues to bathe him. Finally Dominic takes the initiative and bathes
himself. Finding the bathroom door locked, his father
is furious and says if Dominic doesn’t need his help
bathing he won’t get any more help with anything. Dominic is subjected to a lengthy silent treatment. This real-life example illustrates the no-win
scenario that plays out in infantalising families, ideological groups,
and workplaces. Targets start from an undermined position. If they ask permission to advance,
it’s denied. If they dare to take matters into their own
hands and demonstrate their competence,
they’re punished. All roads point back to square one. In healthy families, parents respect and foster their children’s emerging desire for independence
and privacy. Punishing children for exercising these important
boundaries can create lasting conflicted impulses where privacy and independence become associated
with guilt and anxiety. 35-year-old Karen is publicly scolded at a
family wedding when her mother discovers a small dove discreetly tattooed on her back. Instead of asking about the deeply personal
symbolism and learning something about Karen’s life her mother takes it as evidence of juvenile
rebelliousness. 30-year-old Isolde’s father constantly recommends
weight loss programs and always prescribes low-calorie food for her when they eat together in private or public. When she tactfully tries to sidestep his interference he pushes the point until things get tense. It’s as if Karen and Isolde don’t own
their own bodies. They’re just renting them from their parental
landlords who expect their property to be maintained
to their specification. Because of their delusion of ownership they misinterpret their daughters’ exercise
of bodily autonomy as acts of personal rebellion against them. Infantilising parents break all kinds of boundaries. They decide who their offspring can be friends with. They turn up at workplaces, making scenes. They assume charge of their grandchildren
without consultation. Honouring boundaries is one of the most basic
expressions of respect we show other people. It demonstrates that we recognise their fundamental
governance over their own existence. And it’s for that reason that crossing boundaries
without invitation is reserved for very specific circumstances for example when people are incapable of caring
for themselves or where there’s a threat of harm. And even in those cases, situations are assessed to make sure that crossing boundaries
is genuinely justified. When boundaries are casually ignored it’s an act of disrespect and dominance. The building — and maintenance — of solid
boundaries is one of the most crucial and one of the
most difficult aspects of overcoming infantilisation. Later on I’ll be looking at what that involves including some traps to avoid. Dominic’s bath time experience illustrates
another aspect of infantilisation: the persistent withholding of credit. Targets’ knowledge, experience and skills
are habitually dismissed. The assumption is they can’t do anything. At her 30th birthday party organised by her aunt Ingrid says she wants to take a group photo. Her father orders her to give him the camera — she’s bound to do it wrong. Later, when she begins to cut her birthday cake her father snatches the knife and takes over telling her what a mess she’s making. Whatever she tries to do — open some champagne, put some music on,
organise games — he swoops in and stops her. Many targets of infantilisation are subjected to relentless debilitating micromanagement. The expected outcome is always failure. And that expectation is used to prevent the
target from trying. It’s a circular self-fulfilling prophecy. Preventing targets from trying prevents them
from learning which will tend to produce failure, which is then used to justify preventing the target trying. Ironically, Ingrid is a far more capable and accomplished person than her father. But like many targets, she’s had to acquire
all her skills and experience elsewhere away from her abuser. Her capabilities go unrecognised. And on the rare times she demonstrates her
proficiency it’s dismissed as a fluke. In the same way, the extensive talents of
people in infantilising religious and political groups go untapped because their ideology considers
them a subordinate class of human being. They’re denied leadership roles and positions
on judging panels and confined to menial tasks. It’s not an unrelated fact that those groups
are often run by incompetent twits. Sometimes, the withholding of credit is falsely
wrapped up as concern. In his mid-20s, Nikolai flies out to a holiday
resort to meet his parents for a vacation. On his first morning he says he’s going
for a swim in the sea. His mother descends into histrionics insisting his father chaperones the strong
swimmer in case he drowns. Eventually, to placate her, the two men walk
down to the beach where Nikolai has a joyless swim conscious of his father’s resentment — and
his own. It’s a grindingly familiar experience. Nikolai’s mother justifies her constant
demeaning interventions with an air of maternal martyrdom claiming ‘I can’t help fussing. I’m
a mother!’ But while she endlessly fusses, she never
actually helps. In fact she’s been conspicuously out of
sync with Nikolai’s needs ever since he was born. As he’ll eventually discover, she has a
malignant personality disorder and never felt anything approaching maternal
love. Which is why her so-called assistance only
ever created problems; and why whenever real help was needed she always made excuses and a swift exit. Her bouts of infantilising fussing were just
cartoonish performances of what she thought maternal love looked like. Aside from trying to extract affirmation for
herself for being a doting mother these performances highlight another element
of infantilisation found in many areas of abuse. Targets are trained to fear the outside world. Members of religious organisations are warned that the world is in the grip of evil supernatural
entities. Political ideologues are taught to view non-members as either malevolent or enablers of malevolence. Citizens are whipped into divisive paranoia
by corrupt governments. Instilling fear is designed to draw targets
close with the message ‘I’ll keep you safe’; to encourage the voluntary surrender of freedoms and discourage targets from exploring a world they might find complex, beautiful and engaging. As a result, members of religious and political
groups cloister themselves in likeminded bubbles blocking and shunning dissenting opinions. Citizens offer limitless personal data to
governments and corporate giants with child-like trust, believing their best
interests will be served. And children grow up having never known an
unsupervised moment or been allowed to develop age-appropriate
self-management skills including the ability to deal with conflict without appealing to external authorities
to intervene and dispense justice. The persistent diminishing nature of infantilisation distinguishes it from authentic protectiveness
and concern. Healthy parents don’t diminish their offspring. Healthy partners don’t diminish their mates. They don’t use their loved ones’ failures
to shame them or disqualify them from further attempts. They understand that working through failure
is how we develop. Healthy groups don’t restrict contact with
non-members. They understand that other perspectives — including critical perspectives — can, like failure, be an important source
of growth. The abusive nature of infantilising protectiveness also reveals itself in the actions taken against people who try to opt out of it. Responses of emotional blackmail, smear campaigns,
shunning, silencing, even threats of violence make it clear who targets really needed to
protect themselves from. Another infantilising tactic that masquerades as something positive is perpetual wallowing
in an idealised past. Whenever 36-year old Ty speaks with his mother she embarks on the same long-winded script. In a bedtime story voice,
she rehashes vaseline-lensed memories she’s recounted hundreds of times about
his early childhood. The stories are littered with the same one-liners: ‘Why did you have to grow up?’ ‘You’ll always be my little baby.’ Ty recalls none of these old memories and hearing them endlessly repeated leaves him feeling disconnected and claustrophobic. It’s as if his life stopped when he was
three years old at the start of what his mother calls his
‘difficult years’ ie when he began developing an independent
personality. They were certainly difficult for Ty whose growing independence was met with rages, silence treatments and exclusion including being banished
from the house for hours and left to roam the streets. Decades later, still unwilling to acknowledge
her son as an independent person,
she continues to try and drag him back to those first three years when she felt like the centre of his universe. Many abusers repeatedly hark back to a few
scant good times to try and block out the years of abuse that
truly characterise the relationship and immerse the target in a haze of artificial
wistfulness. A sober assessment of just how few good times
there actually were will give a fair indication of just how few
good times there are to come. With infantilisation, memories of helplessness
and vulnerability are specifically selected to put the target
back in that psychological state. Another common strand of infantilisation is that the target’s sexuality is denied
or obstructed. When Leo and his partner are invited to spend the weekend at his parents’ house his father tells him they’ll have to sleep
separately. No other couples get treated this way. Sleeping arrangements during family visits
are a battleground for many folks. Adults are treated like unruly adolescents and barred from sleeping with their own partners. Controlling religious and pseudoscience groups often try to impede or eliminate sexuality
among their members. Masturbation is frequently forbidden. Leaders of groups like the Jehovah’s Witnesses
and the Mormons have presumed to dictate to married couples what kinds of sex they can and can’t have. These invasions are designed to teach targets that even in the most private aspects of their relationships and their bodies they remain under royal rulership. In working with clients like Leo who’ve experienced parental intrusion on
their sexuality, I’ve presented the following hypothetical. Imagine that whenever you visit your parents before you’re allowed to enter, you and
your partner have to consent to them slapping you both
round the face. How likely would you be to visit them? Invariably the answer is: not very likely. The next question is: How does that differ from what your parents
are already doing? Parents who insist on separate beds for their
offspring and partners are telling them their relationship is invalid; that there’s something unacceptable about it that disqualifies it from respect. When offspring submit to these intrusions they’re tacitly validating their own invalidation. They’re allowing themselves and their partners to be slapped round the face. It’ll always be up to offspring and their
partners to decide what intrusions they’re prepared
to tolerate from their parents and partner’s parents. Just as employees have to decide what intrusions they tolerate from their employers; citizens from their governments; religious followers from their religious leaders. But the consequences of giving in to invalidating
power plays are not to be underestimated. When we act like submissive children our emotions and thoughts follow. We feel and think like submissive children. We regress to a meek one-down
permission-seeking position hoping for respect rather than expecting it. As we become smaller, we become more vulnerable
to further encroachment. Likewise, when we respond as adults we feel and think like adults. We operate from an equal position and we’re clear about the respect
we’re entitled to from loved ones. Prior to his visit, Leo gave his father some chances to reconsider his position. Three times he stated he and his partner would
expect to sleep together. After his father’s third rejection of the idea Leo informed him they wouldn’t be visiting. When Leo’s resolve became clear his father had a rethink and accepted his terms. Leo avoided some common traps
targets fall into when they’re building boundaries
with infantilising people. One trap is to try to argue their case with
the infantilising individual or explain why they deserve respect. It’s not up to targets to come up with reasons why they should be treated with basic consideration. A variation of this trap is bargaining for respect. Some targets try offering some concession
or compromise to gain basic consideration. But that just keeps them in a one-down position giving respect freely but paying for the respect
they receive. Another trap is bluffing. When targets lay out what’ll happen if they’re
mistreated they need to be prepared to follow through
with those consequences. To be taken seriously, targets need
to be serious. A final trap worth mentioning is losing control. Frustrating as it is to be infantilised lashing out just lives down to expectations and feeds into the child-like image that’s
already being peddled. Anger is an extremely useful emotional fuel when it’s harnessed and focussed. And for many targets it plays a huge part
in ending their abuse. It can galvanise us; sustain our determination. There’s even evidence it can sharpen our
information-processing skills. In their 2007 paper ‘Thinking straight while
seeing red’ Wesley Moons and Diane Mackie found that angry
individuals were more likely to discriminate between weak
and strong arguments than individuals in neutral moods and that anger encouraged analytical processing even in individuals who didn’t have strong
analytical predispositions. But when anger runs wild its constructive potential collapses into
destructive potential which can backfire on the target. All these traps spring from
the same basic mistake. Targets are over-valuing their abusers’ respect. By chasing their respect, they give their
abusers a hold over them. When targets turn their focus inward on their
own self-respect there’s often a natural shift. They stop behaving like second-class citizens and start occupying their full adult space. In milder cases where there’s no deep pathology a bit of sustained adult resistance
can sometimes shake infantilising individuals out of their misguided
behaviour — although it’s worth preparing for some
subsequent backsliding and doubling down in some cases. But at the malignant end, where individuals
and groups are entrenched in deeply disordered
power fantasies it’s time to think about creating serious
personal distance — reducing or terminating contact. In many religions
— certainly the Abrahamic ones — infantilisation is intrinsically woven into
the central divine concept. The god character described in scriptural
creation myths designs an immeasurably inferior species called
human beings who are prevented from ever attaining the god’s knowledge, skills or understanding. Humans are kept in deliberate ignorance and obliged to obey without comprehension. The Biblical creation myth frames this diminished
infantilised state as perfection, purity, innocence. This innocent state is venerated as the pinnacle
of human existence. That innocence is then despicably abused. In the creation myth, the god character makes
a garden paradise called Eden and creates the first man,
Adam, to look after it. He then creates the first woman, Eve, to be
Adam’s helper. The pair of them are left to wander round
the garden where they’re allowed to eat the fruit of
any tree. With a bizarre exception. The god character chooses the garden of Eden as the location for two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge
of good and evil. He directs Adam and Eve not to eat from the
second of these warning them they’ll die when they do. But everything’s okay.
He’s created them innocent — ie, ignorant, inexperienced and obedient. What could go wrong? Well, just about everything. A talking serpent, described variously as
subtle, crafty and cunning tells the innocent Eve she won’t die if
she eats the fruit. Instead, she’ll become wise
like the god character. She eats — and persuades Adam to eat. And true to the serpent’s word, they don’t
die and they gain wisdom. As a sign of their lost innocence, they dress
themselves in leaves. The god character then punishes them for disobedience casting them from Eden before they can eat
the fruit of the other magic tree — the tree of life, which would give them
immortality. This creation myth illustrates why innocence
is not something to be venerated. Adam and Eve were presented with conflicting
statements which they weren’t equipped to process. When the serpent said they wouldn’t die he meant the mere act of eating the fruit
wouldn’t instantly kill them. When the god character said they’d die when
they ate from the tree he meant he would personally enforce their
eventual death. In fact it was his deliberately misleading
phrasing that caused the whole problem. We can safely call it deliberately misleading because, being an all-knowing deity,
he would’ve known how Adam and Eve would misinterpret it. He would’ve known that if he’d simply
told them he would cast them out and let them die the serpent’s statement wouldn’t’ve
conflicted with his. And of course he knew they had no capacity to process the conflicting information they
were given. They were punished for failing a test they
were designed to fail. The failure lies completely with the god character. If he wanted to preserve human innocence it was his job to create an environment where it would never be jeopardised. In Biblical mythology, the omnipotent, omniscient
god character was perfectly capable of creating that environment if he’d really wanted to. Having just created an entire universe he could’ve placed his magic trees out of
reach on some distant planet. In fact there’s no explanation for why they
even had to exist. He could’ve made humans unable to communicate
with anyone but him. If he wanted to preserve their ignorance he could’ve created them without curiosity. For an all-knowing all-powerful deity there’d be many simple and obvious measures to avoid jeopardising human innocence. The fact none of those measures were employed indicates stupidity, incompetence, negligence
or active sadism. Unlike the mythical god of the Bible humans don’t have the magical power to engineer environments where innocence can
be sustained. And yet many still venerate innocence still work to preserve it in their children and still punish them for worldly knowledge. The disastrous result is that countless children who are kept in a state of ignorance and inexperience are left wide open to exploitation — a prime example being children
who are given no knowledge of sex or sexuality and become easy prey for molesters. This combination of denying sexuality and venerating innocence is particularly poisonous. At school, one of 14-year-old Jasmine’s
friends brings in one of her mother’s old copies
of Playgirl. They giggle at the pictures of the men. Jasmine’s friend tears off a page for her
to keep. She hides it under her bed. Coming back from school one day she finds
the picture gone. Later, her mother comes in
brandishing the picture. She cuts it in two, tears up the body and
saves the head. She threatens to show it to Jasmine’s father — let him know what
a depraved little girl she is. She continues to dangle that threat over her
daughter keeping Jasmine suspended in a limbo of shame,
fear and anxiety. The blackmail only stops
when her mother inadvertently reveals where she keeps the photo and Jasmine musters
the courage to destroy it. Many years later, having grappled with severe
trust and shame issues Jasmine reminded her mother about that period
of blackmail in her teens. Her mother said she just couldn’t stand
the fact her baby was growing up. She wanted Jasmine to stay her sweet little
girl forever. Another big motif infantilising families and
religions share is the practice of trying to instil a permanent
sense of debt. Some parents try to extract gratitude with
the line: ‘I gave you life!’ As if they did you some favour. They didn’t. Before you were conceived, you weren’t some
potential person waiting in the wings, hoping for life. There was no ‘you’. Your birth wasn’t a gift to you. It was your parents’ gift to themselves. They gave themselves a child. To demand gratitude for a gift you give yourself
is absurd. Infantilising religions teach followers to
prostrate themselves in gratitude to their gods for giving them life. But again, if any of those gods existed there’d be nothing to thank them for. In Abrahamic mythology, the god character
doesn’t give the human race life. He gives himself a human race to rule over. He gives himself an empire. An act of birth or creation is nothing to
be grateful for. It’s a completely self-serving act on the
part of the parent. It’s what parents do for their children
once they’re born that counts. And even then, many of the things often characterised
as gifts to the child are actually parental duties. It’s no gift to children
to feed them, clothe them, shelter them, protect them, nurture them. Those are just basic responsibilities the
parents took on when they decided to have children. And even these bare essentials aren’t fulfilled
by any god characters who are conspicuous in their absence. Gifts by definition are given freely. Trying to instil a sense of permanent debt proves there are no parental gifts
being bestowed here. It also indicates a very manipulative mindset. In healthy relationships, people don’t try
to trap each other with guilt, obligation and debt. They stick around because they like each other. I’ll end with one more feature: the use
of belittling language. Targets are often addressed with juvenile
pet names or terms that insinuate immaturity — like
‘young man’ or ‘young woman’. As with other aspects of infantilisation,
behaviour determines context. When the actions are friendly and respectful,
there’s no sting. When the actions are patronising and diminishing,
the words become charged. In religious groups infantilising language is sometimes formally built into job titles. Congregations like the Christian one I was
forced into as a child are taught to address priests as ‘Father’ — an explicitly infantilising term. The perversity of this parent-child dynamic
is highlighted when elderly parishioners
call young priests ‘Father’. I personally avoided using this title. I called our priests ‘the vicar’. The title ‘Father’ seemed creepy for reasons
I couldn’t pinpoint at the time. I can pinpoint them now. I was being directed to relate to these total
strangers like I was their son bypassing the establishment of any personal
relationships or the building of any trust. Just like it was with the heavenly father those things were expected to magically snap
into existence from nothing. They didn’t. We mess around with some
very important survival instincts when we try to shortcut children’s natural
caution around strangers. Some religious scripture
descends into animalistic imagery comparing followers to flocks of sheep presided over by shepherds. As a child I remember recoiling
from this insulting. But in retrospect it was a lot more apt than
parent-child language. Shepherds don’t look after sheep out of
kindness or love. They look after sheep so long as they’re
useful — in the sheep’s case, useful for wool,
meat and profit. The truth of this metaphor has been experienced by millions of people reared in religious
communities who learned their value was conditional on
their utility and who discovered that those surrogate families who ‘lovingly protected’ them from knowledge
and experience were happy to cut them dead in a heartbeat
when their usefulness expired. Infantilisation often comes disguised as love, affection, playful, protection. But when those things are genuine they don’t leave us feeling suffocated,
debilitated, paralysed. They don’t leave us dependent, anxious and
neurotic. If we’re feeling any of those things, it’s
time for a reality check. We don’t get to choose the company we’re
born into. But we do get to choose the company we keep. In most of the real-life cases recounted here the infantilised offspring eventually claimed
their freedom implementing no contact or minimal contact
with rigorous boundaries. A couple of individuals struggled to translate
their awareness into action and continued to allow draining levels of
contact with their abusive parents. Infantilised targets often
put up with excessive demands for contact from their abusers — exhausting daily phone calls
and over-extended visits. They’ve been trained to give abusers as
much of their personal time as the abusers want, whenever they want it. Limiting contact often facilitates lots of
other positive changes. With strong time boundaries in place abusers have fewer chances to violate other
boundaries because the target isn’t there. Time apart can help to shed old infantilised habits and strengthen new adult ones. Many targets wrestle with the question of
how much contact is reasonable. Is a five-minute phone call too short? Is fifteen minutes more reasonable? This kind of overthinking by targets reflects
their anticipation of being judged. To get out of that frame of mind it’s useful for targets to get into the
habit of imagining how they’d answer if they were guaranteed
no judgement. So, if you knew you weren’t going to be
judged for it how much contact would you want to have with
this person? Whatever answer you give is reasonable. Framing questions in this way reveals our
real feelings. Being on guard against the manipulative tactic
of infantilisation doesn’t mean we have to put away
all childish things. We’re the sum of all our experiences — experiences in our childhood, our adolescence
and our adulthood. There’s nothing unhealthy about fondly revisiting the games, books, TV and films we enjoyed
in our childhood. The music for this video is a choral version
of a piece I’ve loved ever since I heard it on a tinny old cassette
player when I was five: Camille Saint-Saëns’s ‘The cuckoo in
the depths of the woods’. Growing up isn’t about giving up our past,
but expanding on it. Being stretched and enriched by experience. There’s nothing unhealthy about enjoying
child-like affection and playfulness in our adult relationships. The problem arises when the relationship operates coercively on that child-like level. Becoming aware of the subtle slippery elements
of that coercion and recognising the difference between care
and confinement are the first steps in breaking free from
the cage of infantilisation.

Jean Kelley

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100 COMMENTS

  1. Noh Noh Posted on March 17, 2020 at 5:02 pm

    well Psychology seeing it every method is wrong
    what you thing if a kid grows up to be a materiel hungry atheist it wont be a form of manipulation
    also on the net i have deal whit more aggressive and abusive atheist
    then say the once you guys always love to promote your self as .
    also kids on set age can develop there own form of views
    so saying that they cant it will be complete nosecones what are you suggesting that kids are NPC
    lets me ask you this
    if a kid grows up whit a family full whit furry weirdos
    and then the kid decides that well he wont's to live like human they let him
    but it was after he was told all his life by his so called friends that he must start live like a human
    so my question is whats the point if they both sound and act like a form of manipulation
    and who exactly is the truth one when they both wrong
    well i thing that i dont need to watch the rest of you video i dont ever remember why did i sub to you in the first place

    Reply
  2. semirrahge Posted on March 17, 2020 at 5:22 pm

    Thank you for your all your wonderful work in creating these videos. I learn so much clarity about my past and the daily mental struggles I cope with as a result.

    This one is a little different for me because I see friends and extended family members in these case studies and helps explain what I thought were inexplicable behaviors/attitudes or severe neuroses in them.

    Reply
  3. Daniel Braddock Posted on March 17, 2020 at 6:24 pm

    New video! Thank god! 😉

    Reply
  4. Melissa Dosch Posted on March 17, 2020 at 6:32 pm

    Thank you times a billion. You change lives dude

    Reply
  5. WadelDee Posted on March 17, 2020 at 6:45 pm

    28:36 "He could have made humans unable to communicate with anyone but him."
    Funny, this is exactly what the world looks like, right now. Now, we are unable to talk to animals. Was this different, back then?

    Reply
  6. Nora Storm Posted on March 17, 2020 at 6:54 pm

    03:02 I was treated like all 4 of them 🙁

    Reply
  7. Posted on March 17, 2020 at 7:53 pm

    reminds me of chris chan's mother, narcissistic and controlling.

    Reply
  8. VolkColopatrion Posted on March 17, 2020 at 8:05 pm

    and it doesn't need to be religious dogma.

    this is exactly what we see in the "culture war" where people shame and harm.

    Reply
  9. Arturo Posted on March 17, 2020 at 9:46 pm

    I bet this video really appeals to brainlets with mommy issues

    Reply
  10. Kat's Kettlebell Dojo Posted on March 17, 2020 at 9:55 pm

    Brilliant video. Can draw parallels to our government response with coronavirus, I'm from New Zealand.

    Reply
  11. matthew austin Posted on March 17, 2020 at 10:19 pm

    Who are you talking to mate the baby or the abuser?

    Reply
  12. rationalguy Posted on March 17, 2020 at 10:45 pm

    "Become as a little child…" No. Grow up, become an adult. Then decide your path without undue influence.

    Reply
  13. David Beddoe Posted on March 17, 2020 at 10:56 pm

    YouTube's spellcheck denies that infantilisation is even a word.

    Reply
  14. Sheriff Stahr Posted on March 17, 2020 at 11:07 pm

    Jehovah’s Witnesses

    Reply
  15. EKadajCR Posted on March 17, 2020 at 11:47 pm

    Thank you, your videos are enlightening!

    Reply
  16. Sheriff Stahr Posted on March 18, 2020 at 12:27 am

    This is a wonderful video

    Reply
  17. Paul T Sjordal Posted on March 18, 2020 at 1:15 am

    Thanks. Sadly, this illuminated some family dynamics that bothered me for a very long time.

    Reply
  18. Ice Fully Posted on March 18, 2020 at 1:54 am

    This perfectly describes both of my parents

    Reply
  19. K. K. Posted on March 18, 2020 at 2:29 am

    Your renders look different somehow. Did you change software?

    Reply
  20. The False Critic Posted on March 18, 2020 at 3:17 am

    This video brought up uncomfortable memories about my own experience with infantilization. My father wouldn't let me sleep alone in my room when I felt I was ready to make that transition. Moreover, my parents withheld credit for any achievments I made.

    Reply
  21. Steve Brown. Posted on March 18, 2020 at 3:39 am

    This is the very life I rescued my wife from. Her own mother was her abuser, and the daughter was a willing prisoner locking herself up every day.
    I came by and broke these chains, cut those puppet strings, and for this, I am the most hated man on the planet.

    Reply
  22. dancingnature Posted on March 18, 2020 at 4:11 am

    My mother would dress me like a child literally in size 6x which would fit a 6 or 7 year old when I was 12. This was deeply humiliating for a teenybopper girl as she forced me to wear undershirts when the other girls wore bras . I didn’t get a bra until I was a 32B which is an adult size . I couldn’t pick out my own panties . The micromanaging was toxic. Clothing , any talents I had , just liking music, friendships, relationships with other relatives etc etc all sources of cruel belittling demeaning comments and restrictions. And that bathing issue struck a nerve . Same situation and I was even older at age 9 . I hated her bathing me because she used to scrub me so hard that blood would come through my pores from micro bruising. I still remember the screaming rages and her refusal to help me with wash my hair ( which I needed help with ) I didn’t get my hair washed for a year. Even recently before she died, she destroyed a pair of panties so that I couldn’t wear them because she has never accepted my choice of panties. I’m in my 60s. It never stopped. I never realized why her infantilizing behavior used to upset me so much. My friends used to kid me about her chronic disrespect but it wasn’t funny and was actually sadistic

    Reply
  23. Sonja_yu Posted on March 18, 2020 at 5:18 am

    Pregnancy and childbirth are not easy or convenient at all, in a way they are a form of sacrifice.

    Reply
  24. YY4Me133 Posted on March 18, 2020 at 5:20 am

    If a child had a parent who planned, directed, and supervised every waking moment of their life, so they never got to learn the value of privacy (never mind the rest), is it any wonder that they unthinkingly give up all of their personal information to almost anyone who asks?

    Reply
  25. December Agents Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:39 am

    This channel feels like a magic enclave where sanity is allowed.

    Reply
  26. Justyn Zachariou Posted on March 18, 2020 at 7:06 am

    Reminds me of the ancient Norse tale of Baldur and Frigg. The only thing she cherished from her loveless marriage to Odin was her son Baldur. Being the goddess of foreknowledge and wisdom, she prophesied that he would die a needless death. Trying to prevent this, Frigg cast a powerful spell that made him invulnerable to all threats, physical or magical, and pledged to protect him forever. However, the spell left Baldur with an inability to feel anything, which he resented. She insisted it was for his own good. Eventually he was driven to kill his mother, but couldn't go through it it, instead vowing to despise her for all time. The gods amused themselves by trying weapons on Baldur and seeing them fail to do any harm. It wasn't until the trickster god Loki discovered his one weakness, mistletoe, and deceived the blind god Hod into throwing a mistletoe spear at Baldur, killing him. Moral of the story: if someone offers you this deal, don't take it.

    Reply
  27. Fabian Corcair Posted on March 18, 2020 at 9:53 am

    This hurts to watch, some of these example reminds me of unpleasant experiences I have in childhood and even in adulthood. I don't like to watch, but I'm still watching because it hurts, what hurts could help me learn

    Edit: After watching this video of infantilization, I've already come in terms with what you said and instantly began to notice changes from internalizing your advice. Before watching it, I feel like struggling to get out of the dogma of my religion, my culture, and my parents despite rejecting them like some edgy boy. But now, I feel self-confident and more self-aware of what respect is, despite not fully grasping the intricacies of respect like you have. I used to look up towards your growth from such a young age, even envy it a little, but now I look forward to my growth, possibly like yours, maybe not. Idk what will become of my growth. It's insane how much self-assertiveness just grown astonishly by pausing, and rewinding the video when I do not understand. I'm done writing, and will list and will discover what counts as basic respect and what doesn't. This is too much joy. Goodnight. And thanks

    Reply
  28. Kriilo Posted on March 18, 2020 at 11:05 am

    8:32 i partially kinda disagree with this example on the basis that being obese is extremely unhealthy and likely will affect your close loved ones. If you're an adult and refuse to take care of your body, then its obvious you're irresposible and even immature.
    If you're addicted to drugs, gambling or even just smoking, your close ones prolly would try to interfere, even if you disagree. Why not the same if you're addicted to food?

    Reply
  29. Uri Tibon Posted on March 18, 2020 at 2:23 pm

    Beautiful music. I always felt that saint Seanses music is a bit mystical in that piece, in a sense that makes it at once a playful childish joke, but also a moving experience. I think your arrangement captures that element of it well.

    I am lucky to grow up in a healthy environment, but your videos help me understand how it is to deal with challenging and negative people who cost others their wellbeing and freedom. I wish there was a solution we could implement as a society to dimish the rates of cults, religious opression, and narcissistic and unhealthy parenting/upbringing. It's hard enough for those suffering from these evils to get by, let alone contain it and fight against it.

    Reply
  30. bluenuttefly Posted on March 18, 2020 at 3:04 pm

    Never has anything gotten me to say "This is SO what I've experienced" faster than this video.

    Reply
  31. Arthur Ying Gaudefroy Posted on March 18, 2020 at 3:46 pm

    I had to look up "discriminate" on the dictionary to see that it also means differentiating.
    This word didn't age well.

    Reply
  32. uncleanunicorn Posted on March 18, 2020 at 3:51 pm

    The need to regress parishioners into a child like State says a lot about the origins of religious psychology.

    Reply
  33. dustpear2 Posted on March 18, 2020 at 4:21 pm

    @TheraminTrees Thank you so much for posting these videos. You are truly doing the world a service. You have significantly helped me and many others already, and many more to come. You may not realize it (I hope you do), but these videos will be here even when you're gone from this world and will continue helping people for decades or more to come. That's a wonderful legacy. I'm not exaggerating – I really mean it. I wish you all the best in your life; you deserve it. I can't stress enough how wonderful I think you and these videos are. I can't wait until you post more and I hope more people in the world discover your videos. I'm going to share them as much as I can. You will affect countless people in a positive way as time goes on. I hope you realize that and keep doing what you're doing as long as you're able. Thank you, thank you THANK YOU!

    Reply
  34. Saeid Akbari Posted on March 18, 2020 at 5:11 pm

    Excellent video as always. But out of curiosity, are you still using Blender?

    Reply
  35. Ryuzenski Posted on March 18, 2020 at 5:19 pm

    Just taking a moment to thank you SO much for your outstanding work. Every minute of time you spend on your videos and research helps so many people. You are an atheist saint <3

    Reply
  36. Martijn Both Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:07 pm

    So true it sometimes becomes scary.

    Reply
  37. Leslie Gann Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:09 pm

    Another excellent video that really spoke to me as I grew up in a dysfunctional family.
    One thing that could have been mentioned about the Garden of Eden story is how Eve was scapegoated as being the one to lead Adam to sin. Very predictable for the desert religions to single out the female as being responsible for the 'fall", including for male sins against her, as if she is directly responsible for men's sexuality towards her and that the men aren't accountable.

    Reply
  38. Somewhere In the Middle Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:23 pm

    I have BPD and I'm worried I'll hurt my daughter with actions like this… wanting to keep her for myself, out of fear of losing her. I fear I'll hurt her because of my need to control things… that I won't let her be independent, learn and do stuff on her own.

    While I'm aware of how this could happen I'm afraid I won't realize when I do it… I worry I may not be able to help myself.

    I can't afford therapy right now… so all information I get is much needed. Thank you for posting this video.

    Reply
  39. Romantic Outlaw Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:27 pm

    I swear I've had to resub to your channel like 3 different times

    I'll sub as many times as I need

    Reply
  40. David Valenta Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:28 pm

    hmm.
    this headed a direction unanticipated.
    Some great & awesome info on a psychological basis, but the anti-religion/ anti-theist aspect after 26 minutes bids some question and high filters on the intention of the author.
    There's a difference between innocence & purity, as well as trust and it continues to deteriorate from there. MANY presumptions laid in after that & it deteriorates/tries to corrode the abrahamic faiths from there.
    Quite disappointing conclusions on God, who operates from the aspect of our wholeness. Relationship w/ God is different than religion..

    Reply
  41. Amalie Brooks Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:34 pm

    I haven’t experienced all the situations and abuse scenarios in every one of your videos, but they make me feel more valid than anything I ever experienced before I met my husband.

    Reply
  42. No one you care to know Posted on March 18, 2020 at 6:58 pm

    Another great piece.
    These vids aught be required viewing for every Jr. High age human being.
    I sure wish I'd have known these things at such an age. My continual battle with my self worth may have been eased if even a small amount

    A thousand thanks Keep up the quality work. We need it.

    Reply
  43. Moortje Arkhorn Posted on March 18, 2020 at 7:08 pm

    Sounds like the state and/or any government, all ways a God I guess.

    Reply
  44. Antonio Oliveira Posted on March 18, 2020 at 7:10 pm

    Time to watch this everyday (religiously?)

    Reply
  45. Ata the steel crowned queen Posted on March 18, 2020 at 7:24 pm

    I’m not sure what kind of religious background you have, but I’m a Christian and my parents have never tried to keep me week or under control. I don’t want to be kept safe and I listen to descenting opinions all the time. The religions you mentioned fall under the heading of cult and are always controlling.

    Reply
  46. Grainne Keogh Posted on March 18, 2020 at 7:37 pm

    This is one of the best and clearest videos discussing a complicated psychological issue. Thank you so much for your work. It has given me so much insight.

    Reply
  47. Ata the steel crowned queen Posted on March 18, 2020 at 7:46 pm

    Call no one father for you are all brothers- the Bible

    Reply
  48. Dfferent point Posted on March 18, 2020 at 8:01 pm

    you know the twisted when your mind is opened ?
    that just happen to me!

    Reply
  49. Renenlilje Posted on March 18, 2020 at 10:07 pm

    Quotes that stuck with me:

    "They were punished for failing a test they were designed to fail." 27:56

    "Your birth wasn't a gift to you. It was your parents' gift to themselves. They gave themselves a child. To demand gratitude for a gift you give yourself is absurd." 31:23

    "In Abrahamic mythology, the god character doesn't give the human race life. He gives himself a human race to rule over. He gives himself an empire." 31:49

    "We mess around with some very important survival instincts when we try to shortcut children's natural caution around strangers." 34:36

    Reply
  50. Daniel Jones Posted on March 18, 2020 at 10:44 pm

    🙃 Started listening and little after 12 minutes in and was about to throw this at my parents, but then I realized this is talking about me in my own relationships just as much 😭

    Reply
  51. Brastion Posted on March 18, 2020 at 11:26 pm

    fuk off of me feed you atomized slime

    Reply
  52. Nick Thompson Posted on March 18, 2020 at 11:35 pm

    Thanks for this video, you have helped me to understand what is wrong with my parents and my live.

    Reply
  53. The Female Posted on March 18, 2020 at 11:42 pm

    I wish my parents watched TheraminTrees before they had kids. 😕

    I’m an adult and I’m still being ordered around by my mother because we’re ‘family’ and it’s the most important part of life.

    Reply
  54. Jack Kraken Posted on March 18, 2020 at 11:55 pm

    So called God: You're a sinner, weak and in need of continuous guidance. ie You need me. Pray to me.
    Self Actualized individual: Nah, I'm fine.
    So called God: Wait, that's illegal!

    Reply
  55. Thomas Giannetti Posted on March 19, 2020 at 12:56 am

    Have you ever considered videos on "projection" and/or "scapegoating"?

    Reply
  56. N C Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:57 am

    This was so painful to listen to, my mom would use this tactic on me for my entire life until a tragedy happened to me which prompted me to get therapy and my therapist has helped me build and enforce boundaries with my mom. It’s gotten so much better, but this video triggered painful memories and I cried. Thank you for this though, just reminds me that I still have a long way to go.

    Reply
  57. Moortje Arkhorn Posted on March 19, 2020 at 3:17 am

    The snake fucked eve, then Eve fucked Adam, the tree of knowledge of life and death is are morality, as what is moral? To explain what is and what is not would corrupt true morality and that would be evil, evil being the corruption of morality, I do not know what bible you read from but God will aid but not help, just look up any one of the profits, you seem to confuse God and man a lot with in your argument and it shows, maybe you should think about that and like God I’ll let you come to your own conclusion.

    Reply
  58. Rick .George Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:26 am

    What about woke culture? Can that be said to infantilise people?

    Reply
  59. Hypno Bunny Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:28 am

    Thank you so much for these videos. They are incredibly helpful.

    Reply
  60. Mercury Dime Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:41 am

    This is so insightful. Being a Jehovah's Witness my entire life, we were always talked down to. Now, with the monthly religious streaming service, anyone can see how members are spoken to condescendingly, as if we were 5 years old. Basic words are defined, speakers speak slowly and pause often, basic illustrations are used as if they're needed to explain such "difficult" material, etc. No wonder I was slow to develop! Now I see my nieces act half their age. The organization just wants to create duty-bound, docile followers who are easy to control. Boundaries & privacy are not respected–not even in a sexual context.

    Reply
  61. James Blackwolf Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:52 am

    I can certainly relate to a number of things you mentioned. A problem I am currently trying to sort out is at 42 years, certain family members still seem to see me as I was over 20 years ago and not as the man I've become. Most of them stopped talking to me when they learned I'm a Pagan. So rather than talk to me, they either talk at me or they talk about me as if I'm no longer living. I try to communicate with them but they act like they've somewhere to be or just have more important things to do. I'm wondering if anyone reading this has some tips on how I can establish some kind of communication with those family members that would rather turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to me.

    Reply
  62. Sophrosynicle Posted on March 19, 2020 at 5:02 am

    This comes at a great time, as there's real danger of this form of abuse increasing in the fear that goes with COVID-19.

    Reply
  63. Diamond ! Posted on March 19, 2020 at 12:01 pm

    Many many more people should know of your channel. There are so many people who need to hear your words.

    Reply
  64. Sparkbomber Posted on March 19, 2020 at 12:27 pm

    TheraminTrees' videos are always so worth watching. I can't express adequately just how valuable they've been to me and countless others.

    Reply
  65. Jóhannes Helgason Posted on March 19, 2020 at 12:59 pm

    i suspect that you my good sir have never herded sheep

    Reply
  66. Scrumptious foamy milkshake maker Posted on March 19, 2020 at 1:08 pm

    Brilliant video, you have earned a new subscriber sir!

    Reply
  67. hexzyle Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:20 pm

    Why did the guy fly off the right to wrap around to the left at 36:18 ?
    Does that mean something?

    Reply
  68. Maia g485 Posted on March 19, 2020 at 2:32 pm

    My partner is afraid to tell his parents that we are dating, even though we are both almost 18 and he has never done anything be distrusted. He has good grades, does what they want and is very intelligent. We just want to see each other, but whenever he asks to see me he cannot leave except if there's at least another person and we are not at home. It's not anymore about having something more sexual, I just want to hug him and kiss him. Is this normal?

    Reply
  69. Steven bent1 Posted on March 19, 2020 at 3:27 pm

    Jehovah's laws [Decalogue underpins Johnson vs Mcintosh] create chemical dependencies in the brain which after acclimatization to said chemicals creates routines which underpin feeding these chemicals. A whole dream state evolves not unlike democracy which begins with a postulation but has logic traps that one usually cannot overcome having agreed internally by validating the traps as they arose until they were trapped by their own inability to sort out logic.

    Sadly some of those who promote LAW & ORDER are just as chemically unbalanced as those who promote the opposite making our whole experience in justice a very subjective thing.

    Certainly a Christian in Iran may experience what a Muslim in Salt Lake City would but their viewpoint would be validated differently depending on where they were.

    Who better though than someone who gets a dose of chemicals from the very acts which removes from their mind all memory of the negative acts one commits in their pursuit of justice. 'I am afraid enough of you to kill you if you do not obey my every command because I possess that power and will not be questioned until I neutralize any objection with lethal force and I will testify consionably that I believed the BLUNT INSTRUMENT in his hand was a gun even though it looked like a phone. Tomorrow I will return to my job because my skills at determining and eradicating a threat are a public asset and having done no injustice to the dead person can do my job as the obvious superior person that I consionably am.'

    Reply
  70. b r Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:28 pm

    I would love to see you do a piece on the manipulation and shutting down of the whole world with COVID 19

    Reply
  71. Unavaatu [Space-churro] Posted on March 19, 2020 at 4:44 pm

    I remember when I was 18 my Dad just walked into my room after barely knocking, I was getting dressed. I scolded him for it and he said "I used to change your diaper as a baby" which is obviously not relevant, i was an infant, it wouldn't have been a problem. But as a fully grown woman I'm completely different and deserve my privacy. Being my Dad doesn't give you the right to see me naked. It's disturbing.

    I remember a lot of times when I was 13 he'd put food on my plate for me, and insist on cutting steak and things for me all the time. It was okay at first but it started really getting on my nerves. He scolded my brothers for watching a show where a girl joked about flashing her boobs, I was 14 and wasn't even there, but he genuinely believed if I saw that I would copy that exact behavior. I had Wheelies and tripped and scraped my arm, he took them away forever to prevent any superficial injury. And now he doesn't believe I can financially support myself, when I've been doing it for years. It's annoying.

    Reply
  72. Alexandria Gabriella Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:12 pm

    This video taught me that I have good parents

    Reply
  73. TheAnonymousGuy Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:13 pm

    I grew up Baptist and we refer to the preacher as brother

    Reply
  74. what the fae Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:34 pm

    This video really helped me realize that I don't have to chase after my parent's approval and respect. Though I am not a victim of infantilisation, if anything adultification, and I am a teenager, I am still entitled to my parent's respect and I dont have to 'earn' it by doing everything they want me to do; which is really just what they wanted to accomplish in life but never did. This realization will definitely help me now and later in life, thank you.

    Reply
  75. Julian Fogel Posted on March 19, 2020 at 6:43 pm

    One thing missing from this video is mentioning that sometimes the child who allows this kind of abuse to continue has entered into the abuser's implicit bargain: you promise to always be my little child and I promise to always take care of your needs.

    While in extreme cases the victim may not have much choice in the matter, in milder more ordinary cases the victim must accept that they are reaping the benefits of the arrangement, and they also have a responsibility to take action to put an end to the abuse by breaking the contract, distancing themselves from the abuser, and accepting that the benefits they received will come to an end.

    Reply
  76. jahtso Posted on March 19, 2020 at 7:15 pm

    My friend who is older than me by 40 years (I am a zoomer) was teaching me how to change a tire, and without realizing it I asked some dumb, self-explanatory question on how to put the tire back on the axle securely, and he just looked at me blankly and asked back "What do you think?" I realized the really obvious answer which was to screw back on the lug-nuts and I felt a little embarrassed and quickly gave the right answer. But that was definitely the moment me as a mind of a thoughtless child who relied on others in the vessel body of a grown man just completely shattered. I like to think that I make decisions and choices of my own volition with reason now, like an adult.

    Reply
  77. Luthian Diya Posted on March 19, 2020 at 7:36 pm

    "Young Lady" is still like knives on a chalkboard for me, I was only called that as a way of saying I was acting like a child when I should have been acting like an adult, even with age-appropriate behavior (like getting into a verbal argument with my big brother when I was 10)

    Reply
  78. ValyrianEagle Posted on March 19, 2020 at 7:44 pm

    Thank you mister fetus.

    Reply
  79. Scott Davis Posted on March 19, 2020 at 8:18 pm

    Religion=Infantilism

    Reply
  80. D Abbi Posted on March 19, 2020 at 10:59 pm

    I Salut you from Somalia thanks for enlighten me.

    Reply
  81. Catherine B. Posted on March 20, 2020 at 1:01 am

    This is a great video

    Reply
  82. mQB3GofJzKKo7nZx Posted on March 20, 2020 at 3:08 am

    It's pretty gut-wrenching when TheraminTrees describes something I've done before as an abusive behavior, even if it's minor compared to the examples he gave. These videos are sometimes hard to watch, but they've helped me to become a better friend.

    Reply
  83. Vsniper 64 Posted on March 20, 2020 at 3:36 am

    19:24 lol I took that literally. That actually happened

    Reply
  84. Rohan D Posted on March 20, 2020 at 7:55 am

    This, uh…this feels way too personal. I never really considered my relationship with my parents like this, but…I've got a lot to think about. I might wanna watch this two or three more times. That bit about incessant demands for daily phone calls hit way too close to home with me.

    Reply
  85. Kotifilosofi Posted on March 20, 2020 at 8:55 am

    21:20 – 24:10 These "traps to avoid" are just so simple and important to know, if you have to deal with anyone manipulative!

    Reply
  86. LuigitheMan20 Posted on March 20, 2020 at 9:39 am

    My mom died from a sudden heart attack. She was a loving, caring woman who understood how I felt and accepted who I was. When she died, neither I nor my dad could find a way to move on. Then he found his old girlfriend who wanted to keep him happy; however, things began to change when she moved in.

    Before I simply wasn't allowed to drive. Now I'm not allowed to clean the house or cook for myself. In one instance she started an argument with me claiming I said something I didn't, saying "Young man, you do not talk to me like that!" I'm 23, yet ever since she shown up I've been regularly treated like I barely started my teens, always questioning whether or not my next decision would start a heated argument with whomever I was with and… work life makes that line of thinking all the more troublesome.

    Reply
  87. Emily Geier Posted on March 20, 2020 at 9:56 am

    Wow that few second long explanation of parent as a noun vs a verb is exactly what I’ve been trying to say to my bf for weeks…. beautifully composed I am definitely subscribing

    Reply
  88. Daddy Marcus Posted on March 20, 2020 at 10:27 am

    These cases are very abundant in the Philippines :1 , these are normal in my place ,i always knew that it feels weird now i kniw why

    Reply
  89. Ismo Latham Posted on March 20, 2020 at 12:18 pm

    As a disabled person, I receive infantilization from a lot of people. Its taken years of teaching my parents for them to stop it. I struggle with a lot, I am both mentally and physically disabled so sometimes aid is need for things that other people my age can just do. But when there is something I can just do (whether that be all the time or I'm just having a good day) I used to get the 'well then, I guess you don't need my help anymore' from my parents. I sometimes do still and have to remind them that isn't fair. Sometimes I'll be able to do cooking by myself and other times my wrists are playing up or its a new recipe and my brain can't understand what its saying, and for years my parents would yo-yo between 'Well if you can do that, you don't need help from me for this' and 'Come here, let me do it.' Its hard work but I think my parents are understanding better. People I volunteer with however… another bucket of fish.

    Reply
  90. Sergey Savelyev Posted on March 20, 2020 at 12:50 pm

    Hello TheraminTrees. I sent you subtitles for this video.

    Reply
  91. Row Deo Posted on March 20, 2020 at 2:23 pm

    How horrible. I have eight kids grown and NEVER did this! Everything we did was to promote creativity open mindedness no sports no religion just creativity. I home schooled the kids so they could explore our world without people standing over them. I hated schools beating people into submission. Wanted the kids to think and be good citizens. No relatives around and no religion helped promote science etc. All contact me we text we talk and if my kids what my opinion, they ask ====the day your child is born and the cord is cut, it is your responsibility to encourage independence. Nurture and protect and see your children as separate entities.

    Reply
  92. Row Deo Posted on March 20, 2020 at 3:12 pm

    This video is a masterpiece.

    Reply
  93. deviousxen Posted on March 20, 2020 at 3:28 pm

    'Dominic…'

    What's up, Mom? Oof.

    Reply
  94. Alice Eliot Posted on March 20, 2020 at 5:02 pm

    But we are not really randomly born into communities, are we?

    Isolda is fat. Her father is right.

    Reply
  95. Crassula Thot Posted on March 20, 2020 at 7:46 pm

    Very eye opening. I broke away from religion almost the moment i learned to think for mysef. I see so much of these confinments in my friends situations. Ill try to help

    Reply
  96. Rose the Forest Elf Posted on March 20, 2020 at 8:01 pm

    Back when I was a vegetarian teenager (I'm a vegan adult now) my mom once punished me for some minor infraction by refusing to cook vegetarian meals for me. I had to take care of my own food because I wasn't grateful enough or something. I don't remember what the fight was about, I just remember the punishment. Anyways, I can relate to a lot of what you said in here.

    Reply
  97. 222222e Posted on March 20, 2020 at 8:20 pm

    I always say that people who can’t control themselves try to control others. The cycle just keeps going on and on. To them love is control and ownership, when you can’t own or control anyone.

    Reply
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