(Foil Singing DoomDap Song) (Audience reluctantly joining in) Quite nice Little bit louder, if we can More over here. Good. More from this general area Arms, where ever you are, a bit of trumpet Arms starts playing the mouth trumpet Lovely that’s great guys. At the back! At the back! Keep that going guys, that’s absolutely perfect! Ladies and gentlemen Will you please welcome to the stage Foil, Arms and Hog! (Crowd go bananas) (They’re still cheering) (Still cheering for some reason… it’s too much at this point) Look at this! Alright! This guy And this guy over here You’re huge! This guy’s huge. Stand up! He’s huge Look at this! Look at that! Arrrggghhhhhh! Alright, you guys seem absolutely brilliant I think we should stop messing around. Will we do the show? Alright, yeah let’s do it The show? Yeah let’s do the show (Sound of dogs, birds, ducks. Nature at it’s best) *chewing* Alright. Alright. Never done the online dating thing before. Me neither. Dave, is it? Ye. Can I see some ID, please, Dave? Alright. You must be Steve. Yeah, that’s right. Can I see some ID, please, Steve? Okay. Ye, alright, cheers. Eh, Never been on a date with another bouncer before. Yeah, me neither, pleased to meet you, buddy. Yeah, you too, buddy. Alright, so you wanna get a drink? Looks like you’ve had a few too many, buddy. Alright, then, where do you wanna go, restaurant? Sorry, mate, not tonight. Cinema? Sorry, mate, not tonight. Bowling? Not in those shoes, buddy. Alright, then how about a coffee? Ye, coffee sounds good, mate. Alright, this way, please, folks, keep it moving, there you go, Thank you, let’s go now, folks! Alright! *ring* How you doing? Two regular cappuccinos, please. Large for me. Sorry, mate, regulars only. That is the best joke in the show, that’s the best joke. Thank you. I’ll just get a coffee to go there, please. Oi, back in the queue, yeah! Keep walking, mate. Oh, Dave… Alright, Barry… Is he with you? He’s my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want any trouble tonight, lads, do you understand me, do ya? Would you mind if we talk, David? Sorry, mate, not tonight. Look, I left my jacket at your place, can I pick it up later? You can collect it tomorrow between two and four. Look, I miss you, okay? Thank you, take a step to the side, please, Barry. Y’know I’ve still got my stamps, Dave. Wha- Oi! Ye, you see that? I’ve got all my stamps, buddy! Yeah! What are you doing?! Leave it out, Barry! Want some more? Oh, you want more, yeah? There’s more where that came from! Yeah, that’s right, yeah! Check that out, yeah! Ass cam! Ass cam! Yeeaah! Yeah! Alright, buddy! That’s gonna be a weird shot! Get out of there! *incoherent* I feel like a degenerate! This is a weird part! Ye it is a weird part! Here’s your coffee, buddy. Ah, yeah, thanks very much. *sip* So you wanna get outta here, do ya? Ye, alright- ALRIGHT THERE FOLKS, FINISH UP YOUR DRINKS THERE, PLEASE! You know, I wanna come back to my place. Your place? It’s free in before ten. Sorry, mate, it’s ladies’ night. Ladies? What? I thought you were gay? Sorry, mate, not tonight. Jesus- (Cymbal smash) Thank you! (Lots of lovely clapping) One done. Alright. Stamps for everyone Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Ahh big guy, yeah! Oh ya missed this guy Yeah Lots of space on big guy Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh ya missed someone there I think Oh, which guy? Eh this guy here Oh really? You’re missing spots all over this guy here! Yeah And the head, and the head! His girlfriend said the head (Evil crowd cheering) Fair play to ya What date do we have on the thing? The 2nd of October… 2022! He’s from the future! Arrgghh!! Sent back through time to kill me It’s grand if you have you know… brillo pads and fairy liquid you’ll be fine Hey how are you doing here, man from the future? I know that we’ve picked on you… more than we’ve done actual jokes in the show I mean we’ll try and tip the balance What’s your name here? Stephen Stephen… Stephen. Cool Amazing Heh, heh, heh, heh, hehhhh I knew his name would be Stephen Classssic We’ve only gotten our name Where are ya from Stephen? The future obviously Sorry go on Where are ya from? Harmonstown (About seven whoops from the crowd) Oh, people are from there? What? It’s the first I’m hearing about this Harmonstown place Oh it’s wonderful, you should come! Harmonstown! And what do you do Stephen? You’re a sports writer? Are you reviewing this? Eh that’s the banter section Done It’s not going to get any better than that Hey thanks for taking the room from me Andy Ah yeah of course man. This place is gorgeous Yeah I love it! You’ve seen the bedrooms. Ah you’re really helping me out with the rent man No problem So yeah, hallway… Oh hey, why don’t you check out the living room? Yeah sure thing, of course Oh! Ok, who the hell are they? They’re an audience Ok, yeah, but… it’s in the living room Yeah, urrgghhhh! I saw it in a magazine once I just had to have it Ok, that’s really weird yeah? Nah, it’s great! I mean like… They’re great listeners Listeners? Yeah If you’re having a tough day at work or whatever? Check this out I dunno I lost my job today (Audience: Ahhhh) Wow!!! That’s class! Yeah That’s unbelievable Yeah, yeah Would ya look at the heads on them I know, yeah It’s great yeah, some of them have stamps Some of them have lots of stamps So sorry Oh here! Go outside the room again Outside the room? Yeah go on, trust me! Really? Just for a sec yeah Go on, go on Ok, yeah! I get all the guest to do this Will you please welcome to the living room My mate Andy! (Crowd cheering) Alright! The buzz off that is unbelievable I know, yeah, yeah. Can I do that again? Yeah ok, go on Oh no sorry, will they mind? Nah I did it nine times in a row one time Yeah I was hungover so eh… Needed a pick me up Ok this time will you give me an introduction? You know like, welcome to the living room… I’ve got something, go on, go on Will you please welcome to the living room Star of… Pints in the pub. That’s a good one IGlug glug glug. I’m a legend. The man who’s still hung up on Tina But Tina wants nothing to do with him Yeah eh… He kissed two women in one week once. Ayia Napa The man, the legend, it’s your new tenant It’s Andrew Brennan. That is the greatest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It’s pretty addictive man. It’s brilliant. What’s going on in here? Here’s another one of them here now. Hello I was just in the kitchen I heard shouting in the living room Are we watching the DVD? I love it, it’s so funny. Hello? How are ya? Who are you? I’m moving in. What? Where, where’s John? John’s moving out What? yeah But Andy is great fun, Is he? We’ll see Anyway these guys are great what else can they do? Oh eh, questions. They love questions. Questions? Yeah anything. Who’s drinking tonight? (Crowd cheers) Give it go. A question? Yeah yeah anything Em… Go on anything Em.. What’s 38 plus 17? Not the sharpest bunch They are enthusiastic though aren’t they? That’s great. I mean security is not even an issue. Security? Yeah yeah I mean we had a break-in last week. What? Yeah I know, he came in through the window at nightime Well he saw a thousand people sitting in the dark staring at him Yeah shat his pants. Steve beat the shit out of him. No way! You bad ass. It’s a new sport. Pummeling people to their death. There’s a joke about Harmony in Harmonstown but I can’t get there. Well I didn’t know it existed so there ya go Sorry Steven or Big Steve as we like to call him Is security. By the way yeah. So if you have any trouble with the audience Big S-dog here will sort it out for you. 55! That’s correct, good on you. Well done. They get there in the end don’t they That’s great. I love these guys. Man these are the business So you just need your keys now and you are ready to roll. Let’s do it. OK I’ll get your keys for you. I’ll come with you Oh no no I got this. Don’t worry about it. Collin? Thanks… How’s it eh… Boooo! What? You’re shite. You are shite mate. Well hold on a second now You are shit mate You don’t do anything You are just standing there We’re bored! Boooooo! No hold on… Take out the hoover or something you bollox. yeah… Shite mate. OK I’ll find it… No it’s not over there You don’t know where anything is. You’ll never be like John. John was a way better tenant than you. When he used to come out in the morning in the towel And remember he’d do the dancing To the dancing queen Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Collin??? Dance! Dance! Dance! Collin I’ve lost the crowd He cannot dance You don’t know where the hoover is This is for you! Get out of the way As the crow flys I’m sorry what the hell is going on here Who’s this? He must be the heckler Just ignore him. Yeah I get it, I get it. You didn’t tell me There was a heckler Oh did you not tell him about me did you not? Screech. That is an out dated reference. Very out dated But it works everytime I know! I don’t like it. I like it. Doesn’t matter what else? What else haven’t you told me about? Mate you don’t want to move in here. The place is horrible, there’s rats There’s no rats. I brought rats So there’s definitely rats. They are just waiting on a verbal que Anything else? Yeah, there is sex offenders living in the area. Wait sorry! Sex offenders?? I know, seven of them. 7? There’s six houses in the neighborhood Collin There’s two offenders in one house. yeah they are very efficient You hear that? And I tried to register myself as one But the website was very confusing. There should be an app it’s a disgrace. Mate you have caused nothing trouble ever since you wandered in here You are getting kicked out. Security. Get him out Steve. Oh this is bullshit. I was leaving anyway I’m taking my rats with me. I like also that without promt The audience nailed the Steve Steve! Steve! It just wouldn’t have worked with Cecil would it? Cecil! Cecil! Sabastian. Clop clop clop clop… (♪ horse naying ♪) Click. Excellent hunting m’lord. Click. Yes indeed thank you Sir Frederick. Click… Click, yes. Indeed you truly are a wonderful shot with a bow sire. Yes, yes, very good. Where is my man servant. Fetch me Bittles. Right away my Lord. Very good. My Lord? Ah Bittles. There you are… Bittles I’m thirsty Fetch me a drink will you? Eh… yes my Lord. Very good Bittles. Right away My Lord. Thank you Bittles. Bittles…? Bittles you walked straight through my horse. I’m sorry. It was my fault really. Oh thank you. Oh what strength. I should have gone back Yes. He really is a wonderful little creature. Oh look at him. Simply loves being treated like sh*t Look at him go… Once he’s got the nose eh? Oh yes. Haha! Unlucky haha. Haha I found one my Lord. Oh did you? Yes my Lord. Oh very good what is it that we have here? Eh… it’s Eh… Eh… it’s Eh… I think it’s a It’s a… It’s a… hold a second… Oh it’s a lager sire. Oh it’s a lager is it? Are you sure? No. I think it might be lager sire. You don’t seem convinced tho Perhaps a second opinion? Ye ye is it a lager? Ye? Bittles I think he pretended to drink that. Oh yes. It is a lager. He can’t be trusted. That man can’t be trusted clearly a liar. Bittles em… Bittles perhaps the royal taster? Yes. Very good Bittles thank you very much. (audience chant “Steve” an audience member they know from earlier, clearly he’s popular) Ah, Sir Steven of Harmanstown. It’s a lager. It is a lager. I’m afraid I don’t like lager Bittles please return it. Thank you very much. Thank you Bittles. Thank you my Lord. No no thank you Bittles. Yes my Lord thank you. No no Bittles I’m thanking you, thank you. Yes. Yes thank you. Do not thank me back. It’s royal thank you do not thank the King back. Thank you. Ye, ye, ye… thank you. Do not thank me back Thank you! Ye thank you! Do not… I am the King you do not thank me back thank you. Eaaaargh… Aaahhhh… Thank you. Do not thank me. Do not thank me in any way. Thank you my Lord. Do not! Ooooh oooh Thrash me my Lord No. Thrash yourself. Oh thank you my Lord. Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… Ahhh… My Lord I? Yes. Yes sir Frederick? Perhaps we should make haste to the castle for the birth of your child? Ah yes the royal birth? No. To the whore house. Ooooh…. Ooooh yeah. Ooooh yeah. Look at this tasty devil down here. Completely avoiding my gaze. Well we got a busy day ahead of us girls. A thousand punters coming in here all looking for one thing. A good rogering. That’s right. So chop chop let’s get to it girls We got some regulars in tonight don’t we? Yeah. Oh hello Steven how’s it going babe? Oh yeah. Chop chop let’s get to it girls. Actually girls I was wondering if I could have some annual leave? You want the day off Mary? Yeah please if you don’t mind? Oh for God’s sake you know the rules. You can’t have a day off unless you have a replacement. Well I have a replacement. Do you really now who? Her. Oh… she’s gorgeous isn’t she? She’d get the punters in the door alright. She’s a friend of mine she’s been asking for ages. She said it would help with her Gaisce Medal. (A self-development award presented by the President of Ireland for those of you who are confused af) Well she’s lovely. What’s her name? Eva. Eva? Eva or Caoimhe? Oh, Aoife! It’s not a great whore name really is it? Not great. No I’m afraid she’s not going to do Mary Sorry back onto you luv. Thanks a lot friend. Clop clop clop clop… Click. My Lord? Yes Sir Frederick? Shouldn’t we get a horse for Bittles. No no. Bittles he prefers to run actually. Yes but it has been 40 miles. Oh for God’s sake why don’t you ask him yourself? Then yes? Bittles? Yes? Perhaps you’d like to take a break? F*%k off! Oooh I’m exhausted. Oh yeah? Yeah. From all the sex. Oh Mary you are going to hop in for her. I think yeah? Girls I can’t. What do you mean you can’t? I’m pregnant. Pregnant? I know. Did you not use precautions like I told you? I did. Oh did you really now? Yes. Did you sit on a cold stone wall? Yes. Did you rub a cabbage on your belly? Yes. Did you fling an egg at a baby? Yes. Did you punch a blacksmith? Yes. At midnight? Yes. Did you bury the beetroot? Yes. Did you put the goats horn in the attic? Yes. Take it out again? Yes. Put it back in again? Yes. Lock the door behind you? Yes. Did you make him wear a condom? No. Doesn’t matter. Who’s the bloody father? It’s the King. Another one? I know girls. Well he didn’t find the other child. Yes that’s right because if he did… Oh girls I don’t want to be a whore anymore I’ve had enough. Nobody wants to be a whore Mary. Clop clop clop clop… (horse naying) Woooow Segatarious. Wow easy boy. Wow easy now. There we go. Oh look at this… Segetarious has been working out. Look at that. Oh yes there we go. That’s more like it. You know Bittles you really shouldn’t have killed Sir Frederick he was only trying to offer you a sandwich. But my Lord… Bittles is a celiac. Oh for God’s sake it doesn’t matter enough of this. To the whore house. We can’t my lord. What do you mean we can’t? Mother says I’m not to bother her at work. Oh no no excuse me you don’t understand. Mary the Irish girl? She is my regular whore yes? Well I’m her replacement. What? Oh no no you are simply foul you won’t do at all, I’m sorry look I don’t care if it’s her day off or not You tell that potato eating, bog trotting… Irish wench to get up here immediately. That is no way to speak about the future mother of your child. (audience: Ooooh…) Oh bollox. Oh Bittles darling. Mummy. (coughing) (more disgusting coughing) Your pregnant. That’s right Bittles. Mary! Oh God. You whore! Yes? I meant it in an offensive way. Oh. You’re pregnant. Yes my Lord. Bittles? Bittles is going to have a baby brother my Lord. A baby bro… what the hell are you talking about… Oh dear God. You’re his mother. That’s right. And he’s your son. What? I kept it secret from you for all these years. You whore. Yes? That’s getting so annoying. Bittles. Bittles? You’re my son. Daddy. Oh Bittles my boy. I always wanted a boy. (more horrible coughing) Bittles? Bittles what’s happening? Talk to Daddy what’s going on? The lager my Lord! You poisoned him you bastards. No my Lord… Bittles is a celiac What? You mean you gave him a wheat based product? But… Oh God no! Oh Bittles I didn’t realise. Nobody really knows what celiac is. I’m sorry Bittles. Please forgive me. It’s OK my Lord. Bittles likes to die. Oh no. Is there anything I can do to ease his pain? No. Let him die in agony. It’s what he always wanted. If that’s what you wish Bittles I… I shall make it so my boy. Ahhhh Thank you my Lord. No My dear… Sweet Bittles… Thank you. Yes thank you my Lord. It’s alright Bittles. Bittles will die now. Goodbye… My Bittles. Goodbye my Lord. Oh just die Bittles for God’s sake! We got some souvenir hats here You can’t get these anywhere So let me see would you like a souvenir There ya go. You can wear it what ever way you want Don’t have to, Aoife (said creepily) We get these in Penneys (Primark) obviously but they won’t give them to us for free It’s so annoying. So we go in there, we have to buy something every time One item per bag so The cheapest thing in Penney’s right now is children’s socks So we have a suit case that we have in our office That has 300 pairs of children’s socks Which we’ll be selling at the end of the show At this point in the show we take a little picture of the crowd just as a little memento from the show You are being filmed you might as well have a photo So house lights up if we can I might go from back here to try and get everybody It’s perv-cam. Yeah few people checking themselves that’s normal yeah that’s ok I might just zoom in a little bit Oh yeah zoom in. Yeah that’s good zooming Was that? That wasn’t enough. Zoom in a bit more Yeah it’s more isn’t it. Maybe a little bit more? More, hold on let me just… Maybe if I get down Here Maybe a little bit A little bit more A little bit more And yeah I think we just about got it OK so nearly So if people on this side could just lean in Just lean in there yeah More leaning Leaning down Oh that’s nice Good leans OK There is a really creepy guy behind you. So we are just going to go 3,2,1 So there’s going to be a big cheer hands in the air smiling It’s a photo you know how it works So 3 2 1 Yay! Everybody looked great in that photo So I’ll just pass that to Arms to develop it So what we do is we develop it Scan it in upload it to facebook And then just tag yourselves So at this point in the show ladies and gentlemen We find an audience can really lose concentration Like you were at 100% when you came in True actually you guys were on it at the top of the show I don’t know but at this point in our show it just And I don’t know why it happens An audience can drop from 100% concentration to 90% maybe even 89% Jesus! Yeah This is just a small little thing we have developed to get us back on track Concentration-wise so very very simple Join in when you can and we’ll be right back on track Here we go No! That is the 89% that we are talking about That’s what it is right there. Look it’s just the Adams Family very very simple We’ll go through it again we’re going to get it this time. OK so… Adam’s Family You got this It was a small pocket over there On the left and a smaller one on the right I saw one person do it with just one hand So like the other hand obviously knew What are you doing? I thought we were supposed to… OK here we go This is the one NO!! Ah guys come on! The next sketch is way more difficult than this We’re just trying to prepare you for what’s coming up Don’t give up on this one Gets annoying doesn’t it yeah? NO!! And then at the end no-one?? Don’t applaud yourselves for that that was terrible. That was terrible but on the plus side Can we get a nice slow zoom to this on the camera? It’s beautiful What I’ll do with this is I’ll hang onto it and throw it in the suitcase with all the children’s socks No problems there. I don’t know what you meant even. (Editor: Something creepy no doubt) Yeah we were just getting your concentration for this next sketch cose sometimes it’s a bit difficult to understand what the hell is going on It’s called A Kerryman Gives Directions Jesus, would you look at yer man He’s not from around here No he’s not Where do you think he’s from? Navan? Navan I would say Big Navan head on him Yeah Ahh, he’s coming over Oh, eh excusez-moi? No, Dublin! I am eh searching To find ze eh… Ze post office Ohhh the post office It’s dead easy, Martin will tell you now You’re very close What you want to do is You want to go straight on through here open the gate but be sure to close it again after you You’ll come to two lefts in exactly the same place You want to take the one on the left Take the one on the left After that you’ll come to a field of spuds Now not the waxy spuds, the floury spuds You’ll recognise them because when you put them in the pan for thirty minutes they fall apart Singing: Ahhh the spuds the go to shite That’s how we remember Ok You get past the spuds right? There’ll be a gap in the road You gotta build up a lot of speed Before you hit the gap in the road Mary McDonagh fell straight into the gap in the road Shopping basket and all, fifty quid on the shopping and she died too can you believe it? Singing: Ahh Mary died it was terrible That’s a waste of a woman Great woman If you get over the gap in the road There’ll be a fella standing there with a spade in his hand Eh, ok? If he’s got a smile on his face It’s a left If he’s got a slightly disconcerted look on his face It’s a right Either way you’ll end up on the windy road It’s a left, it’s a right, it’s a double right after that It’s Oisin O’Caoilachain who’s put Kerry ahead In the all Ireland semi final with a beautiful belt of the ball Go on ya good thing Oisin Get over the cross bar! You’ll come to the second set of trees With a stone beside that. After that you’re in the sea Now Jesus, you’ll know it’s the sea Because it’ll be slightly wetter than the land Ok no, no thank you, thanks, no! (Shamefully bad tin whistle) Agent O’Donnell Sir. You’re the new head of undercover operations No time for formalities I’m afraid There’s trouble in Africa What’s the mission sir? It’s an under cover operation You’ll infiltrate a local malitia and then await further instructions My cover story sir? You were born in the South Eastern province of Badundu in the Congo What!? Your parent will meet you at the airport and take you to the rendezvous point Ahhhhhhh? Emmm, they’re different Your parents? Yeah they’re…. to me… Your Congolese parents? Yeah They’re quite different to… They’re… African Yes they’re also from Badundu in the Congo It’s a South Eastern Province next to the border A jungle territory They’re very African I’m sorry I don’t… You’re making me say it I’m not making you… Ahhhh They’re black You’re a racist Ahh for feck No, no Here’s me thinking we live in a tolerant society This agency has been living in the past for too long That is why I have been brought in The world is changing And we need to change with it From now on under cover agents Will be chosen based on merit Not the colour of their skin You f in serious? I’m deadly serious You’re one of the finest agents we have I want you on board from the start What about agent Myefah? She’s from the Congo! Unfortunately we lost agent Myefah last week on active duty She was under cover On the Irish Male Olympic swim team We still don’t know what happened You are no longer Seamus O’Donnell From this moment forward you sir are Bazeema Lumumbu Great! Yeah! People have always told me Seamus, you look like a Bazeema Well that’s fantastic then No, no, people don’t say that! They’re gonna say There’s the guy we’re looking for Ten miles in the distance Shining like that guys teeth over there! Nonsense You’re over thinking this entire thing For example, you won’t be alone I would like you to meet your wife No, no! No, he can’t be my wife! So you’re a homophobe now Here’s me thinking we live in a tolerant society Where men can marry other men Yeah! Not in the Congo!! How dare you? Look I’m sorry ok, but he is not a black woman (Stereotypical African American Accent) Oh not you didn’t! Agent Butler has submerged himself in character In preparations for the operations in Africa Damn right I don’t think I need to tell either of you How important your cover stories are because both of your lives will depend on each other Oh you’re gonna be just fine sugar Don’t you worry that sweet ass Very good, now… we don’t have much time so we’re going to try a quick role play scenario To test the strength of the cover stories So let me see Ehh Leonella? Mmmhhhmmmm? Very good What? Leonella, you will welcome Bazeema here home from a hard days work I ain’t gonna be welcoming no one home from a hard days work He gonna be welcoming me home from a hard days work That’s how things are gonna go in my house That’s right Yeah, clap it up Thank you Leonella Yeah, thank you for your bullshit Excuse me? Excuse yourself mother fucker That is insubordination! Oh well why don’t you insubordinate my ass Are you finished? Can we move on now? Oh we gonna do what you wanna do? Yes we’re going to do what I want to do. I’m the boss Oh you’re the boss? I’m the boss Oh this guys the boss everyone Oh wupty-do this guy the boss Yeah I’m in charge Oh you’re in charge? We gonna throw ourselves a little boss party in here? Oh we’re gonna have a lot of cake? Your momma gonna bake a cake? Your gonna have a table with itty bitty shitty party bags? And people are gonna take your party bags and go home thinking I had such a good time at his house And it was so much fun Except ain’t no one gonna come to your party and your gonna be sitting in the corner crying like a little bitch Yeah, that’s right Are we finished now? Mmmmm Are you done? Can we try the role play scenario? I suppose Oh you suppose, thank you! Welcoming Bazeema home from a hard days work from the top In character. And scene Bazeema, is that you home? What the fuck time you call this? Where have you been? Explain yourself! That’s an American accent!! What are you doing? You dropped your character If this was the Congo, right now because of that action both of you would be dead Mmmmhmmm bang bang Bazeema, you dead You in the Congo now fool We are going to try this one more time We are going to go from the top and you will stay in character because I will not lose another agent! Yeah, ain’t nobody got time for that Get your shit together From the top, in character and scene Bazeema You coming home late again! I am this close to whooping your ass Where have you been? Have you been with another woman? You know my friends told me you’d play me They said, Leonella Girl That Bazeema girl, he a player Girl he a player, he gonna play you like an accordion I said no girl. You do not know my Bazimmi like I know him But I was wrong No do you love me? Or not? You better say something quick Bazeema (Attempt at Congolese accent) Oh my God you are the most beautiful woman in the world… What the hell!!!!???? That is so offensive!! Oh hell no!! (Cymbal smash) Try explaining that sketch to your friends later on Herr Doctor There we are… So… Let me see I see that you are pointing at someone, So, we’re gonna go with you Up pleaes Oh.. okay Ahhh Ah Ahh! AHHH! AHHH!!! AHHHH! AHHH! Oh yes Up, Up please Ahh AGH! AGHHHH!! AGHHH!!! Oh jesus yes please, make your way to the stage Thank you Come come! Schnell, Schnell Please to be seating Good boy God you’re bursting out of that shirt yes, em up please Thank you very much Numenumenumenume numenumenume Numenume Numenumenumenoo numenumenumenume numenumenume numenumenume Numenumenumenoo numenume what am I typing Yes please you’re perfect Come come pretty girl please to be seating Up please *Crowd: “Steve” You’re perfect, thank you very much CROWD: “STEEEEVE” You’re going to have to work hard to be more popular than Steve He has a catchphrase Also! Wilkommen to the Hospital Alle… up! UP! Please to be putting on these hospital gowns quickly, quickly, schnell, schnell Dankeschön Are ve struggling Steve? Look at you Ve vant this much tighter for you don’t ve.. Look at this animal Yes, that’s much better Very good let’s have a quick look Lovely. Good luck Beep. Beep * Beeps getting faster *Flatline CROWD: “Steeeeve” Yes, yes, yes There were the equal number of chairs as people Und yet you struggled… Didn’t you. Also! ALLE! UP! Auf Wiedersehen chair… *CROWD: “Oooohhh” Danke Herr Doctor CROWD “Steeeeve” You vill not sleep tonight Steve Beep, Beep, Beep etc *RIP MUSIC Bollocks You have lost money for ze chips on the way home Too bad ALLE! UP! UP! CROWD: “Auf Wiedersehen Chair! Excellent class Some people tried to chant steve through that Auf Wiedersehen Steeeeve The crowd certainly have a favourite okay… Good luck SBeep, Beep, Beep, etc SCHNELL! Here ve go! *RIP MUSIC You little shit bag He’s like Russel Crowe in Gladiator, He’s too big to kill I’m so sorry That normally doesn’t happen But it’s awesome that it did ALSO! UP! One more time for supercookechttollpartyklasse? CROWD:”Auf Wiedersehen Chair” Oh I love this audience I really do ALSO! Ve have of course Herr Steve.. Und was ist deine name? Lia LIA!!! It’s not catching on, I’m sorry It’s just your coming in, in season three of the series He’s just been a season 1 favourite ALSO! Lia und Steve! Ladies und Gentlemen of Vicar Street Shout for your champion *Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep Here we go! SCHNELL! *Faster beeps *Adams Family Tune Ladies and Gentlemen, massive round of applause for Lia *CROWD: “Steeeeeeeeeeeve” That is the weirdest game of that we’ve ever played There was no chance for anybody else Even when you’re cheering Steve, it sounds like you’re booing conflicting signals Either way… You got your way Congratulations Steve He’s one the five euro, nurse do we have it? Yes, of course… Wait.. Oh, they’re not what they used to be That is your five euro, you can spend it on whatever you want, take that home Or… You can trade it… For what is under the nurses hat ♪ Vats under ze hat? Vats under ze hat! ♪ The choice is up to you CROWD: “TRAAAAAADE” Yes, steve has elected to trade.. You have said Auf Widersehen to the five euro But you have won… One pair of penneys childrens socks! ladies and gentlemen its STEVE! Crowd: Steve!… This is borderline frightening whats happening with Steve Just putting it out there Next up on the BBC It’s the brand new Scandinavian crime drama… ‘Greüne’ (You’ll probably want the sound on for this one) GREÜNE Polcie, Policie nefudahefnadanufednuf Sarahigedahuduhuf Something something Policie Something Sophie Johansen Sophie Johansen Something Something… Kidnäpped Something something… Detëctive Yansen Alzo Complete gibberish Even more total gibbërish Mr. X (phone ringing) Something something Polcie Mr. X Mr. X? Füketük Sophie Johansen? Copenhagen Blessinkiëf Sophie?…. Telephonë ya Standee uppee Sophie! Audience Member: Hello? “Hello Hello” “I’m having a great time down here in the basement” Ahhhhh…. Somewhere, somwhere, Copenhagen. Oh no it’s on your side Policie Füketük Policie Mr. X… Mr. X Mr. X? …Sophie Johansen… Sophie Jo-what-sen? Mr. X?? Nie Stefan Klienberger Politik Oh shïtenkup Stefan Klienberger ya Stefan Klienberger “Tuff on Immigration” Stefan Klienberger “Out Out Out” Cüp tae Sweet pad Cüp tae Cüp tae Sara Johansen? Nie Sophie Yohansen Ya IKEA Blessinkiëf Klienberger! Sophie?? Audience Member: Help ….fake wall Sophie! Ed da hook! Detëctive Yansen? Klienberger?? Steve!!! GREÜNE Before we finish guys We are just going to finish on a slightly serious note Well nearly finish on a slightly serious note Just say very quickly We’ve been going about 8 years ya know at the end of the day we are up here We’re doing eh… We’re doing what we eh… What we really want to do. And the most important thing Whatever careers you do I think the most important thing is to get out there and And honestly just follow your dreams. Wait hang on hang on. Do you know what is way more important than following your dreams? Making friends! Thank you very much folks goodnight. Thank you very much.